Marr and Dukk had just finished putting their E.V.A. suits in the starboard suit locker on the middle level.
A scream met them as they entered the corridor from the suit locker.
Lilaho, one of the girls, was standing just outside the lounge. The door was closed.
She was looking very angry.
“Lilaho, what is going on?” Marr asked as she ran over to her.
“Marr, someone needs to stop Nabiel from saying those things.”
With the rant over, Lilaho clenched her fist, tilted her head back and screamed again.
“Lilaho! Stop! Look at me!” Marr shouted above the scream.
The scream stopped. Lilaho dropped her arms and her head.
Marr waited. After a full minute, Lilaho looked up at Marr.
“Thank you,” Marr said calmly. “Now, can I ask you something?
“Yes,” Lilaho said quietly after another minute of silence.
“How do you feel right now?” Marr asked.
“I feel small, useless and unimportant.”
“Who is it that you want to be responsible for what you do or don't do, feel or don't feel, think or don't think?”
“Me,” Lilaho answered reluctantly but in a slightly more engaging tone.
“What happens when it is someone else taking responsibility for what you do, feel or think?”
“I give up my autonomy.”
“You give away your ability to choose?”
“Yes.”
“What happens then?”
“I am powerless. I am at the mercy of someone else’s will. I am at risk at having to feel, think and act in a manner that serves their best interests, not mine. I open myself up to being taken advantage of. I open myself up to being abused. I am willingly putting myself into the role of a victim.”
“Is that what you want?”
“No!”
“And what are we learning about what happens when society adopts this?”
“People self-censor. Open and honest conversation becomes impossible. Innovation is non-existent.”
“Yes, and what does that do?”
“It creates fertile grounds for victimhood trojan horses like psychological safety, micro aggression theory and related practices.”
“Yes, and what is the impact of that?” Marr asked calmly.
“It makes it worthwhile to virtue signal victimhood.”
“What happens then to the real victims of abuse?”
“Their voices get drowned out.”
“And what happens to the perpetrators of the real abuse?”
“They go unchecked and get bolder.”
“What happens then when most are in a victim mindset and perpetrators get bolder?”
“The perpetrators are the only ones left to take the lead. They move into positions of authority. They orchestrate the conditions so they can continue their abuse. They usher in authoritarian control over everyone else.”
“Right. So, who is responsible for how you feel about and react to Nabiel’s behaviour?”
“Me,” Lilaho answered.
“And what happens when you don't do that?”
“I give up my ability to choose.”
“Okay, so what is the effect of someone else telling others how they need to behave to protect how you feel?”
“I am giving away responsibility for how I feel. I am giving up making my own choices.”
“Right. So, what is needed here?”
“I need to punch Nabiel in the face,” Lilaho said with a chuckle.
Dukk laughed.
Marr smiled. She knew humour was a signal that there had been a shift.
“And when it isn't appropriate to do that, what is needed?” Marr said in an empathetic tone.
“I need to name my emotions, quieten my amygdala and look for a more rational way forward that leaves me in control of my choices.”
Lilaho said this in a calm tone.
Marr said nothing.
“Thank you, Marr,” Lilaho said after a moment of further reflection. “I hope one day I am as wise as you.”
“Wait! What did you just do there?” Marr said sharply.
“I moved back into a victim mindset,” Lilaho replied. Her tone was slightly insecure.
“Right. And?”
“I already have everything and am everything I need for the moment before me.”
“Good!” Marr answered in a quieter and calmer tone. “So, what are your choices here?”
“Ignore her. Stay away from her.”
“Is that realistic?”
“No.”
“What then?”
“I must confront her.”
“What is the first step we talked about when confronting this type of behaviour?”
“Determine if the behaviour is intentional or not.”
“What could you do if it was intentional?”
“I could try the Mark Goulston, ‘I Know What You're Hiding’ approach.”
“OK, and if not intentional?”
“Give her time to calm down and for her amygdala to release its control. Then try something like the Mark Goulston, ‘Shock Absorber’.”
“Right. Do you think her behaviour was intentional?”
“No.”
“What makes you think that?”
“She is upset about the girls from Norline not being here.”
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Give her some space then try the ‘Shock Absorber’.”
“OK. Come and find me if you want to practice that before you speak to her.”
“Thanks, I will.”
“Are you good now?”
“Yes, Marr,” Lilaho said with a smile.
Marr smiled warmly.
Lilaho turned and headed for the stairs to the lower level.
Marr and Dukk stood and watched Lilaho disappear.
“That was hard,” Marr said with a sigh.
“It was brilliant,” Dukk said. “You are a total natural at moving someone from a victim to growth mindset.”
“Thank you. But now I am exhausted.”
“Well, we have an hour before we are due to take over the conn.”
“Lead the way, captain,” Marr said with a smile.
Excerpt from Rule of Twelve, Book 1 - Double take, Chapter 16
